Not Mine
by Phoebsfan
Summary: What they have is merely a shadow of what could be, it has always been that way. Both of them are to blame. He has always been too careful with her, and she has always been too reserved with him. AU with mild spoilers for 3x12.


Not Mine

Rating: T

_What they have is merely a shadow of what could be, it has always been that way. Both of them are to blame. He has always been too careful with her, and she has always been too reserved with him. As if there has always been an emotional line or a barren no man's land between them._

Disclaimer: I own nothing and no one.

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"I don't know." She answers simply, refusing to make eye contact as she stares over his shoulder. "I don't know."

He sighs and nods briefly. He knows that pushing the issue won't win him any points. She won't be forced, or led to an answer he wants to hear. She isn't that kind of girl and he wouldn't want her to be, but sometimes he wishes things were easier between them. That they could just be honest with each other and admit what they felt.

"It's not..." She hesitates, her eyes darting back to his for a moment.

"Me?" He fills in for her. He knows what the issue is, it's the same as it has always been. She has never been willing to put her heart on the line. Something has always held her back. It wasn't until recently that he discovered just what that something was.

"No. I don't know. This just isn't..." She flounders, gestures lamely with her hands as if searching the air for answers.

"Enough. It's never been enough. It will never be enough." He fills in as he steps closer and places his hands on her waist, drawing her closer. She curls up against his chest like she was always meant to be there, but he knows differently now. Maybe he always did.

What they have is merely a shadow of what could be, it has always been that way. Both of them are to blame. He has always been too careful with her, and she has always been too reserved with him. As if there has always been an emotional line or a barren no man's land between them.

He wants to blame her. Wants to tell her that if she wasn't such a coward when it came to them, if it wasn't always one step forward and two back, then things could be different. But the truth is, he hasn't really given her the chance she deserved either. Maybe they were both flawed.

"I wish..." She murmurs softly. "I wish things were different."

He does too, wishes that they could just curl up in her bed and forget the whole thing. He wishes they could move past themselves. Pick up the pieces and make something beautiful. But he knows now that that just isn't possible.

She is never going to be his and he will never be hers. He knows he has lost his chance. Maybe it slipped away that summer before he even knew there was anything wrong. Or maybe it died as the leaves fell from the trees and the snow began to cover the ground. It doesn't really matter when, just that the time has passed. Just that there is nothing he can do to go back and fix it.

When he looks at her now, he feels like he's staring through a window, like she is always going to be on the other side of the glass. A portrait on another man's wall. When he touches her, he feels like he is trespassing. Something inside of him makes him wonder when they are going to get caught, when the man she truly belongs to will grow tired of her games and come and take her away from him.

Like he is only borrowing a moment in her life. The favorite part in her favorite book, the corner of their page bent over for easy reference, but only a stepping stone and not the ending. He's known it for awhile.

"But they aren't, Kate. And they aren't ever going to be." He murmurs into her hair.

"Don't say that." Even now, when she is trying to push him away, she still fights it.

"I feel like I'm cheating with you. You feel like it too." He knows there is truth there by the way her muscles tense.

"I didn't used to." She pulls back and admits honestly. "What changed? Things were good. We were ok."

They had been. He couldn't deny that the highlight of his days had been spent with her. That he couldn't wait for her calls, couldn't wait to meet her. But with time that feeling, the urgency and magic in those moments had died, just as the victims she found justice for. He knew what an investigation of them would unearth, and he didn't want to pick it apart to find the cause of death.

They had a wonderful time, what time they'd had. But it was past time they admit what he knew that first night when she had slid out from under the sheets and stood in the light from the window.

When he had left the bed and wrapped his arms around her and she had murmured those three words.

He had never thought that three words could mean so little and so much at the same time. Never thought any three words could mean more than the ones she never used and he had so wanted to hear.

"He came back."

Even now, months later they echo in his head. Just as the memory of how she slid so easily from his arms and returned to their bed, like it meant nothing but everything at the same time, still haunted him. Like the missed calls and canceled dates. How he learned to dread when her phone went off.

_He_ came back and their world changed.

He knows she never meant to leave him. Knows she would have remained faithful to them forever if _he_ hadn't returned. But he was under no illusion when it came to how this had to go.

"Nothing changed. Not really." He sighed as he backed away. "You just remembered who you are."

She frowned, her eyebrows pushed together in confusion. That adorable little crinkle in her forehead as if she didn't know what he meant.

"We had fun. But we were a distraction. I was a nice diversion for the man who broke your heart." He smiled sadly as he picked up his jacket and put it on.

"No, I could have loved you." He believes that she could have. If nothing else, he knows that they could have been reasonably happy together. "You weren't a diversion and he didn't break my heart."

Perhaps he hadn't, not entirely anyway. Maybe if he had, then they wouldn't be standing there saying goodbye.

"Maybe not. But the heart wants what the heart wants, Kate. Yours has never been mine."

"That's not true. I thought..." She sighed and looked away once more.

"Your heart has always belonged elsewhere."

She folded her arms and turned her back to him.

"What does that matter?" She sighed. "He isn't mine. He never has been. Besides, he's with Gina."

"It's nice to hear you admit it." Josh offers quietly as he steps up and wraps his arms around her waist one last time. "He isn't hers. One day he's gonna realize that he already has the best woman in the world. Maybe he already knows it. I don't know. What I do know is that you love him. That makes him one lucky bastard."

She smiles and turns in his arms one last time.

"You sure you don't want to just forget this whole conversation and go back to the way things were?" She teases. It kills him to answer.

"We can't."

And then he leaves her, walks out of her love life just as easily as he walked into it. It hurts her to admit that she should probably be more upset about it. And she probably would have been, if her phone hadn't interrupted the silence and she hadn't rushed off to a new case. If Castle hadn't greeted her with a cup of coffee and some little bit of nonsense, making her forget about what she gave up for him.

A man who belonged to another woman.

She plays like they are still together. It's easier that way. Pretending that she isn't alone again. Pretending that she doesn't still think about the what ifs. And after awhile, lying to him becomes second nature. Maybe she even convinces herself that they never really broke up, that they are just taking a break. Maybe she still hopes that is exactly what happened, that if she calls him up and says she's sorry, that she wants to try again... maybe he will run back over and pick up where they left off.

It doesn't matter what she tells herself. It doesn't matter what she tells him.

When he starts avoiding Gina's calls, she ignores it. When the story breaks about his public fight with Gina a few weeks later, she dismisses it.

It isn't until she overhears him on the phone.

"No. No. What I'm saying is, it's over."

That's when she's put right back where she was half a year earlier. Before Josh.

It flits through her mind for just a second, that he is free and she is free and they are...

So utterly screwed.

So she decides then, to continue to play along. To act as if she doesn't know anything. She is safe as long as he never knows. He won't turn his charm back on her if he thinks she is still with Josh. Besides, she has gotten used to where they are now. To his careless remarks about her boyfriend... ex-boyfriend.

It's easier to say Josh is working. And even if it wasn't, he just broke up with his ex-wife, the timing was not right. She should leave him alone, let him get over it and tell her if and when he decided.

But Josh is right, Rick Castle has owned part of her heart for a long time, and she doesn't want him to be alone after that. She doesn't really want to be alone either.

So she gives him a little more than she would have before. Maybe she'll tell him, one day. About the motorcycle doctor boy who let her go for him. Or maybe she won't.

She doesn't really know, and as they share macaroni and mashed potatoes she finds that it doesn't really matter.

Maybe he isn't hers and maybe she isn't his either. But they have coffee and cases, they have homicide and humor. And unlike what she shared with Josh, when she's with Castle it feels like it's enough.

For now.

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This idea popped into my head a few days ago and I debated whether or not to post or not to post for awhile. Luci tells me it needs posting so I am posting. I kind of liked the idea of her being broken up with Josh already and no one knowing about it, so I wrote it.

I would love to know what you all think of it, however. Feel free to share your thoughts and opinons.


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